Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
