i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
