I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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