Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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