Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
