that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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