Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
