Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
