Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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