Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
