There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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