I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
