YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
