Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
ok first of all what the fuck
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
