anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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