I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
