My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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