i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize