At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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