I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
