Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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