got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
it's great music for shaving your balls
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
