My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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