Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
