Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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