The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
