I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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