a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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