what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
