So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
