my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
