Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
It's blow job season.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize