I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
