im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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