come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
