This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
