I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize