winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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