make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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