remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
