Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
