Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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