I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
