Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
