I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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