nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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