That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
