I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
