just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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