He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
