I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
