I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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