Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
