Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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