Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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