I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You ruined the universe
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
